I am who I am: November 2014

Tonight my FB is abuzz with love!
Weddings, engagements, birthdays and even simple declaration of love.. I wonder what day is it..

I must be out of touch with love so much that I do not know what's happening in the world outside.. Or maybe my love priority has shifted from human to things..

I love seeing my friends in love - seeing them happy makes me happy.. Seeing them moving on the next chapter of their lives makes me happy.. seeing them profess love for one another makes me happy.. seeing them taking their oaths of marriage makes me happy.. and seeing them celebrating their birthdays in plentiful of friends with abundance of food.... makes me happy..

I truly am happy for them, because deep inside me, love is a beautiful thing.. It transcends boundaries of all possibilities, in a state of just being in the moment.. Anyone who has been in love (what kind of a statement is this, unless you really have not been in love before, then this applies) will know what I am talking about.. Love is a very powerful thing, it can make people do stupid things.. it can make people break other people's heart.. it can also make people do great things, far greater than any words can describe..

Half a year have gone by just like that since I changed my status.. On one hand, I am glad it was over because I do not believe in sharing and having to fight for love.. Forced love is not love.. I took the breakup well because if it makes him happier not being with me, it makes me happier as well seeing he can be happier with someone else..

That is love.

On the other hand, I sometimes truly wished we had never started at all and never even considered being together, for that would have a very different ending than what it is today..

Perhaps life would be very different now..

As I heal my heart and tried to give myself a reason to love again, I found myself getting confused by the day and getting more irrational.. I yearn for company but on the other hand, I appreciate the freedom to do whatever and go wherever I please without having to inform anyone..

I yearn to have meals with the person whom I can call my own (not sharing the person with someone else!!!) because sometimes having meals alone can be really sad.. Not that I mind eating alone, it's just that, sometimes being able to have a meaningful dinner without the phones around is just all I need.. Sometimes I just want to look in to his eyes and watch him eat, because that's what couples do.. Sometimes I just want NOT having to pay for my meals..

I do have friends who asks me out once in a blue moon, and friends who fly in from overseas to see me, but it's really a different kind of feel - that is purely friendship love or brotherly love that cannot and will not be able to replace a partner's love..

To make up for that, I visit my sis more often now and spend some time playing with my nephew, because he's all I got to spoil even though he's still too young to understand what spoiling and love is.. It's the love of an uncle who has nothing else better to do..

I yearn for that hug and that someone telling me things will be okay because having friends saying that is not the same.. or that just sitting in someone's arms held tightly not wanting to let go, that is love to me.. but on the other hand, I do not want to be tied down..

Free as a bird, I freely travel and without giving two fucks about where I was and what I did, just look at where I have been in this half of the year! 2015 is looking exciting as well as I have in mind to soar high once again to faraway foreign lands.. Maybe I do love to travel alone, because when I travel alone, I talk to more people, and people find it easier to accommodate me as a single person!

While I do yearn for someone whom I can call MY boyfriend, I am also enjoying being single.. I sure talk lesser these days because I don't have anyone specific to talk to on a daily basis.. I don't need to talk actually, I can go on with my daily life without ever talking if I want to.. I really finally understood why God gave us all just 1 mouth and 2 ears... imagine if He gave us 2 mouths and 1 ear........ people who just knew me often misjudged me as a quiet person, but hell they are so wrong, until they get to know me - they'll probably take that back..

Remember the one I posted recently about stalking me in Jack'd? Well, he's being adamant of taking things a step further, but honestly I don't think this is the right time or maybe I don't even want to take things any further.. Not at this moment.. Sometimes chatting as just friends, or in this case anonymous, is more fun than chatting as a couple..

When you are chatting as friends or chatting with people you don't know, you can just be yourself and no fucks were given, but if you are chatting to someone like a boyfriend, the tone and manner will of course be very, very different.. For me at least.. Technology kills the intimacy..

I barely know him and I don't even know things about him, but he knows quite abit about me.. (I know you're reading this - I am writing this here because it's a general thought and it doesn't only applies to you; it's not you - it's me, you see.)

I've been hurt time and again (if 5 relationships over 14 years taught me anything is that sometimes nothing is forever) that I probably have just lost faith in love completely and seeing how my other friends who are single but yet happy and enjoying the time of their lives makes me really wonder about this one big question, "do we actually need to be in love to be happy?"

I enjoy being in the current state of mind (the sane part, that is) of being able to feel free without being tied down, being able to do whatever shit I want, being able to go wherever fuck I want.. and the kind of motivation I get in the gym looking at guys without the other half getting all hyped up and worked up over jealous shit or trying to get even..

Being single taught me something as well - I've learnt to appreciate the love friends have for me.. I don't really know how to describe it but it's a feeling I get which is very different.. Maybe my friends prefer me to just be single and have the whole me for themselves.. maybe.. you know, that I may be better off being single..

When I was in financial trouble, it was friends who came to my aid and bailed me out.. When my 10-year-old laptop gave up on me, it was my dear friend who gave me his Mac.. When I traveled to Australia, my friends gladly took me in and let me stay for as long as I wish because it's easier to take a single person in and because I know my friends love me for me..

Sometimes I don't know what kind of a friend I am..

Maybe it's better for me to be single..

If you ask me today - would I want a boyfriend? I don't know.. I really don't know.. I missed all the things that couples do (hey not just sex because I can have sex anytime anywhere I want, IF I want), but largely I think it's better for me to just be single... for now..

Just saying :)