Outburst

I woke up from my sleep this morning crying badly.

I had another bout of those sad dreams again. It goes something like this...

The ONE song I hated

If there's a song I can say I hate, it is Warwick Avenue by Duffy..

No - it's not THE song that I hate, it's because of the way I learnt of the song and what it meant to me.. 

It was the breakup song for me with my 3rd ex.. There was no closure, but he asked and told me to go listen to this song and figure it myself.. No doubt the breakup was left hanging, I knew he was hurting as much as I was but I still couldn't, to this day, find a reason for it or why we parted.. 

It was more than 10 years already - I have learnt to let it go.. The best part is, my foreman still fondly remembers him after servicing his car ONCE and kept asking where has he disappeared now.. 

I suddenly recalled this song as I was singing with friends in the karaoke app, and then I came across this song.. sang it and shared why I hated it.. after I finished, emotions came back and I went offline.. 

Here's the lyrics, apart from the reference to Warwick Avenue tube station, everything else speaks for itself, as I highlighted in blue, as more than 95% of the lyrics was exactly what he wanted to say.. Duffy wrote this song for one of her ex-es by "accident"..

My OnlyFans

You may know it. 

You may not know it.

Yes I do have an OnlyFans account. In fact since last year during the first lockdown when I lost my job.

It has been a tough year and half. You will never understand how the uncertainties that surround you suddenly without a salary for months. In fact i was jobless for more than a year plus. 

My savings were very quickly depleted as the months go by and even with the EPF withdrawals, I could only get so far and for so long.

I have never publicised my OnlyFans account because I didn't know what to do with it, and that I didn't actually want anyone I know to know about it. 

Then I started slowly slipping hints here and there, and finally put it on my Twitter, albeit still without a link, only a mention of my OF name.

Along the way, I am thankful and grateful to the all those who subscribed and purchased my content. I don't know who my subscribers and purchasers are mostly, but that's the point, it kept me going and gave me motivation to post more. Seeing the numbers climb is what drives me.

Most of the videoclips I posted are of myself wanking off, with or without face, which I clearly marked and wrote as so.

I will continue to post contents on my OF because I am just a naughty boy.

Sidemount Diving

 On Sunday, I went to tryout sidemount. 

There are many types of configuration as to how you want to mount the tanks.

Basically only you will know how you set up your equipment because of so many things you have on your body, how you assemble the equipment is also important. 

You have two or three tanks and one regulator for each tank, straps to hold the tank, to hold regulator, plus all your normal accessories - camera, torch, lights, pointer stick, slate, dive com, compass etc.

Sidemount is also for you to progress to technical diving, tecrec etc.

One of the main benefits to dive with sidemount is for wreck and cave diving where overhead space can be limited. 

Sad dreams

 I have been having sad dreams often where I would wake up with wet eyes.

One of the dreams that keep recurring a lot throughout the years sounds something like this:

As a young boy, probably not more than 10, I had an estranged stepbrother. But he is an enemy. He and I have been fighting since young and live elsewhere.

He would always appear in my room looking for something - a yellow toy truck-car from the 1980s. But it wasn't just any toy car. It was a radio remote controlled toy car the size of a palm, like a Hotwheels. It was yellow. The toy car was small and looked fragile made of steel/metal, but the remote control was green, bulky and rough, made of plastic of good quality.

[In real life, as an older kid in late 80s-early90s, I have a very similar remote control toy car but way way bigger, like a feet long with a long antenna sticking out of it!]

This toy car was special to me because my father (also his father) bought and gave this toy car specifically for me, this toy car was meant for me. But stepbrother wanted it for himself too, hence the fight ever since.

Every time he would sneak and come into my room just to look for this toy car. But he never find it because I hide it very well. I then chase him out of the room and told him to get the fuck out of my room, and then slam the door, but the door cannot be slammed because there is a small blue dolphin soft toy wedged between the door and the doorframe, so I try and try to slam the door with stepbrother outside helping to pull away the dolphin so that I can slam it.

Then mother would appear and ask me why don't I share my toy car with him? 

I said, "No. Father bought it for me, not him!"

I then go on to explain why this toy car is special, unbox it, and take it out.

I show mother the car, part by part.

First I show her the car. Then I explain what it does. Mother flip the car around and look puzzled. Then I show her the remote control. Then I show her, the battery slot.

And ask her, "So when there's a battery slot, what is it for?"

Mother said, "so it can move".

I said, "Yes, it can move on its own!"

[In real life, a radio remote controlled device, let alone a toy car, in 1980s is very rare! Even the remote control for the TV have a very long few metres cable wire to it with a jack to plug into the TV.]

I put in the batteries and play with it and show mother how special it is. I said something totally unrelated to the toy car.

"It is special to me in the same way you are special to me. I cannot share it with anyone else!"

Mother sit down beside me and shed tears. It is tears of joy of love. 

I wipe her tears away with my fingers, hug and kiss her on the cheek.

- - - - - - - - - - 

And I would wake up with tears. This dream in its exact details have occurred at least 3 times as far as I can remember, and every time I would wake up very sad and usually its around 5,6am and then I cannot sleep back.

In my dream, it was never revealed who "stepbrother" was, who "father" was" and why "father" was never in the dream.

I also do not understand the significance of the "toy car" but because it appeared so often and the details so obvious to me, it had to mean something. Nothing in real life I can relate. I don't have anything yellow that is of significance to begin with.

But I'm also troubled because its a dream about family, fight, tears and mother.

Its been more than a year since I last went home to my parent's. I just hoped in phase 2, interstate would be allowed freely and I will take a few days off or work from my parent's place.

It is always a small reminder that year after year, as we grow older, so are they.