Back at writing with lots of things bottled up

My apologies for the 3 weeks hiatus.. I was lost for things to write.. There were many things happening in and around my life..

To sum it all up, ex-date been mass-messaging me in the early days and he kinda kept talking how he's not ready bla bla bla yet he doesn't want to let me go and can't let me go, and I was like, "why are we still on this topic?".. you know, I've been trying hard to get over the fact that we can't be together and then there he goes saying all those things that contradict his actions and words..

He's all a nice guy but I cannot be sitting around doing nothing with my life - I wanted a partner, not a no-commitment-guy whom I can't even call the boyfriend! Yet at the same time, out and away from public eyes, he acts like the hubby, or should I say, the perfect hubby material! You see how contradicting that is? My feelings is all way more confused than my sexual identity..

At least I am clear about that..

So I distanced myself to give us time and room to have a clear mind that I am not crossing the friend boundary, never..

Recently, he invited me to have dinner at his new house.. I went, but I did not allow him to treat me like the boyfriend that he never had.. You see, I thought I have a place in his future, but it turned out that no, there was no "us"..

Then at work, my colleague has resigned and left me in a quandary.. I am to take over his portfolio, temporary or not I don't know.. Yet, he just want to leave and not taking much of an initiative in wanting to do a proper handover, and I am left to figure it out.. Until I asked him last week to prepare his list so that I can dedicate my one week this week to understand what he does.. both of us have very different portfolios, he is more on the development and behind the scene, while I am more on the front scene and operational stuffs..

Then there's my team.. Love hate between one another, when I am not around, they fight till tears.. I don't want to separate them but at the rate this is going, I will have no choice but to agree to split them up.. my partner-in-crime at work and I both single handedly built this team from nothing a couple months back to a team that even other departments sing praises of, and we've learned to rely on one another.. And it's on the verge of breaking down, and now I have to redo and rethink how the whole team functions..

One thing I was really not happy about was when I delegated some task to one of my team member, and I was surprised by a strongly worded reply, "why can't you do it yourself?"

I know the difference between delegating and ordering, and I wasn't even ordering for things to be done.. Sure, I can do it myself, but if I were to do everything myself, why do I even need people? It made me question myself that evening.. I give them work so that they can be better and faster at what they do, practise makes one better after all.. I believe in them and at all opportunities where I can delegate, I will, because that's how one learns.. Things where I can't delegate, I do it myself, I don't even ask them to do my things.. 

I know everyone is busy with post-MATTA paperwork and all, but this is not an excuse, everyone is busy and I too have my own things to worry about.  Never in my working life have I ever said something like that to my supervisor/team leader/boss.. Whatever my boss ask of me, I say yes and get down to doing it, if I can I do it right away, if not, I do it later but I still get it done and tell my boss when I will do it, whether or not I am busy or have my hands full with other things or even on weekends, I was still doing work stuffs and making calls and all.. but that's work, if you don't like doing it, then leave, there is no need to be negative about it..

And in all of that, I have my own problems to deal with, my own clients' tantrums, my own customers' bookings, things to follow up, meetings to go to, packages to work on, monitor and lead my team and bla bla bla.. because that's work and that's what I am paid to do..

I am so tired.. so much that I just booked a weekend getaway next week to just rest my mind and rejuvenate at a beachside little chalet.. I don't even bother to ask anyone along, I just want to get away and reflect on myself on what I need to do..

If I have not mentioned it before, I am now put in charge of the Firefly Holiday team, the ground arm of Fireflyz..

And that's where the bulk of my sanity goes to..