Dilemmas

I have a lot of things I want to rant about these days..

Sometimes I am like what-the-fuck, and I stopped giving fucks.. One part of me is like "whatever shit I don't fucking care anymore" but another part of me is like "but it bothers me so much".. you know what I mean?

I'm talking about life, about work, about people in general..

I'm so tired sometimes.. Like what's the point to it all.. I felt like I'm at a crossroad dilemma, die if I go on, die if I don't.. They say passion don't pay bills, but passion makes you want to go to work each day..

The passion is still there, however I am just not feeling productive anymore.. Each day I wonder what else could I be doing since it's the same shit different day..

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Then, I've been thinking long and hard about this ex-date from years ago whom I used to date for quite a while.. we were good but we were not boyfriends.. I walked away because he wasn't comfortable being himself and wasn't comfortable being gay, and to be seen in public with me.. It's as though he's ashamed to be seen in public with me.. He would always act like we're strangers if he happens to bump into familiar faces.. I can't take that.. I want no pretensions whether at home or outside, I want to know it's the same person I'm dating regardless where we were..

Then he bought a new house and moved in, I helped him picked some of his furnitures and fittings, go to expo after expo, but I didn't feel like I have a place in his life.. helping him set up his home opened up my eyes a little bit more, that it was obvious that there's no us in the future..

But the thought came about as I seek closures.. I want to know if the spark is still there.. I want to know if he has changed any bit or is he more comfortable with himself now..

I did a little Twitter poll.. and at press time, more "no" than "yes".. more people polled no I should just let it be bygones..

But I want to know if ever there's any possibilities of getting back together provided he's more comfortable now, after all, it was me who walked away..

....

Then on the other hand, something good in the meantime, my parents paid the balance of my home loan.. I've been going to the bank and lawyer's office to get the documents in order.. with the mortgage finally out of the mind, I can fully focus on getting my finances in order.. my car loan is ending in 2 months as I have paid months in advance.. and lastly would be the credit cards which I am planning to axe..

I have also submitted application already of a second property on the edge of Mont Kiara, but I did not get the ballotting.. not sure if there's any units left now.. My parents have promised they will help me with the downpayment if I successfully get a unit, but the property would require a bigger financial commitment which I seriously don't think my current pay can support..

Which led me to the first dilemma above..

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I've also seriously considering entering the family business but that would require me to relocate, which I am not ready.. I have the free will and option to join whenever and if I want to.. younger me wasn't interested at all, but the older me is telling me to seriously consider that option.. my parents only joined after retirement from their career! So I could do the same too twenty thirty years later.. There left my brother and I being the male descendants, my brother has indicated he's not keen and went on to take up permanent residency in a foreign country with no intention to return.. and that leaves me.. so I was made a director so that my name is up there alongside with my male cousins as the third generation heir..

Taking an active role in the company would meant an express route to financial freedom, but at the expense of family drama and politics - which I strongly hate.. maybe things will change twenty thirty years later when I have nothing else to do.. or if I am still alive..

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So yaa sometimes I just wish to go home and lock myself at home and just scream, FUCK YA ALL!!!