Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Being gay

I have been thinking a lot recently.. I haven't seen my boyfriend in more than a week as he was travelling again for work.. And at a very short notice.. 

What kept me thinking was, in his absence, I miss him.. I mean, I still am busy with work and gym, but once I get home, I am all alone.. there was not many texts from him, because he's busy with work, and he works damn odd hours, and I don't disturb him.. 

I looked at my phone blankly.. hoping a message would come - or at least, from him.. The little weird rule we agreed on very much in the beginning is that, we don't text when we're at work, whether me or him, unless it's urgent.. so while I'm working, he's not, and while he's working, I'm not.. Because both of us are busy adults, we have our busy schedules and lives, there's no need to be in constant touch and seeing each other everyday, but once in a while, this kind of creepy loneliness comes.. 

It's the kind of feeling that you just want your boyfriend and no one else.. yes, you can text and go out with friends, but it's not the same.. I miss his strangling hug.. When he hugs me, sometimes, it feels like he's strangling me, but I like it.. It makes me feel secured and warm in his arms.. knowing he will not let go, and he doesn't let go, unless I push him away.. 

I just don't know, I guess I've drawn to him so much in the past one year... Little did I know, we've known each other (and together) for a year.. Although in the beginning he gets on my nerves sometimes, but I guess that's part of the learning process, to grow.. 

He have always put up with my antics and my bitch fit drama-queen diva-ness, but never once complained about it.. he doesn't have many gay friends.. he's not even out to many people, or should I say, no one? 

I'm out to anyone who cares to know, friends.. colleagues.. perhaps even family.. I suspect my parents and my siblings know.. but they didn't confront me, so I needn't say anything.. I really hope one day, I will be able to bring him to the dinner table with everyone.. I don't know why I want that, but I guess, I want my mom's blessing.. I want her to know that I can be happy and still live a life I want.. I really want her to say it that she'll be okay with me being gay, but in order for that to happen, I first have to tell her with my own mouth.. I really don't want her to know in any other way, or to walk in on us when we're having sex.. Looking back, she did walk in on my ex- and I once before, together in bed.. but let's not get there.. it's not the appropriate topic for this blog post..

I've been through a lot.. 

I've been through a lot of long-term relationships, relationships that lasted years, but still in the end, they ended, somehow.. one way or another.. 

Is there no forever? 

I really don't know.. 

I've always believe in finding someone who can see through your flaws and still love you the same.. One that I can settle down eventually, like for real, and who wants the same thing and goal in life - which is being together till the end.. 

I want a someone who can see the future and has that same vision with me.. I'm not sure about what really the boyfriend thinks about it, I tried asking him once earlier, but it was a wrong timing.. I don't want to waste years building upon something unfruitful.. 

I guess.. I just want a stable home.. It might sound corny, but reality is harsh, the end can be any time.. It's not about growing old anymore, it's about to the very last breath.. 

Is it very selfish to ask of him? 

I don't know.. 




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